Introduction: What do we look for in a film?

Just imagine you're entering a cinema: you buy your tickets; you buy your diet coke and salted popcorn; you sit down in the theatre; and you have no idea why you're there!

Now don't worry, you haven't been brainwashed to go! You just don't know why you go to the cinema to watch a film. Do you even know why you watch a film!?

It's understandable that you don't; you're only human. I'll explain why you love watching films so much, so just sit back, relax, and drink some coffee; you're gonna need it.

So let's start at the beginning. The most obvious aspect about watching films is that you're watching a story, not reading it. Yes, now we're in the 21st century, we humans are getting a little bored with the whole, "Buy a book and read it" arrangement, and would rather take up the whole, "Buy a ticket, a pair of glasses, some food and sit back and watch the screen" idea. It doesn't look easier, does it? You're spending far too much money for a start, unless you don't wear a pair of glasses. But that's okay; you'll just go blind instead.

And as for wasting time going to the cinema, sitting in the cinema and going back home, you might as well spend £6.99 for a book; you might get one half price!

Another wonderful thing about watching films is that you don't actually have to watch it. I'm contradicting myself, you say? Ha! You all know what I'm talking about; humans like watching films, because they can claim a mate at the same time. You’re all cavemen at heart!

Just think lads, if you will, that you're sat with a girl (or a boy if you're that way inclined) and you have a film on; do you just sit there and watch the film, or do you ruffle a few feathers? Exactly.

At least you don't have to pay to join a dating site now.

We also seem to love happy endings. Most people seem to like at least one Disney film, because they all live happily ever in surreal situations. I'd just like to point out that Bambi would have died in that forest fire, the hound would have eaten the fox and Cinderella wouldn't have needed to have a Fairy Godmother, because she would have just needed to call childline; I'm sure it's free, so she had no excuse.

And finally (What do you mean 'Thank God’?), we all love films, because it keeps the kids happy. I don't think there is a child in the world who doesn't love a film, apart from kids who haven't seen one (poor things). I'm sure mummies everywhere will agree with me; buy the kid a new film and you'll forgot all about them (rotten parents!). Again, Disney films seem to be personal favourites; no wonder children have no idea about the real world.

And thus, concludes my analysis of 'what do we look for in a film'.